Surgery is tomorrow!

I can hardly believe it.  I am at peace and not nervous about the surgery..I just pray that find this little booger that has caused me so much havoc for so long and get it out!!

On the countdown..

Tomorrow is my last day to get everything in order before my surgery day.  I am almost done..I think, anyways.  I have to get my bag packed but I am not planning on packing much so I am not worried about that.  This is one really great thing about having this done here at home..if I do happen to forget something, someone can run home and get it for me with no problems.
Everyone keeps asking me if I am nervous.  And honestly, I'm not nervous about the surgery at all but I am at the recovery.  Nervous really isn't the word for it though..it's hard to explain.  I am not scared but it is just a wierd feeling because there is so much unknown.  I know what I've read but this disease just affects everyone so differently and you don't know what to expect really....
Even with all that said, I am so ready.
The thing that is so wierd is how many people will be waiting for me while I am in surgery.  I hate the thought of people just sitting and waiting on me.  I am so not used to being the one that needs to be taken care of and I don't know how to deal with it.  Of course, my friends and family tell me to get over it because they will be there no matter what.  LOL  And I know, it is really such a blessing to be loved but still...it's wierd for me.

Watched the surgery...

Just watched on YouTube how they do the surgery I am having next week.  It is called transphenoidal surgery.  Wow..amazing that they can do all that just by going up your nose.  And to think not too long ago, they'd have to crack your skull to do this same thing.  Medical advances are just amazing to me. 
So, I am not nervous at all..wierd but I think God's grace is just all over me.  It has to be HIM because no one else could supply this type of peace.
This weekend is going to be busy.  I've got to get my house cleaned.  I can't leave for the hospital with a dirty house..that is the lovely OC side of me. :)  I've got to get everything in order for my child for next week.  My wonderful inlaws are keeping him for the week, which is such a blessing.  They take such good care of him and I won't have to worry about him for even a second, besides missing him like crazy.  Still, I have to get all his clothes, etc ready.  Then, I need to pack for the hospital. Not really thinking I will need much so that part should be pretty easy.  Sunday, after church, I need to go up to work and get some stuff done.  It's wierd to think I will be away from work for a couple weeks.  Like going on vacation but so not a vacation-LOL.

Had all my pre-op stuff today...

Started off the day at the neuro's office where the schedule-chic gave me the run down of my insurance and had me sign all the 'okay forms' so they can go inside my head-lol.  It was pretty quick and then she sent me on my way to the hospital for an EKG and a chest X-ray and of course, labs.  Got everything done and so it's on for next Tuesday at 7:30 AM.  I have to be at the hospital at 5:30 AM...nice. Of course, I am generally awake until about that time so at least I will be good and sleepy by the time we get to the hospital.
So on a 'funny' note...the gal who attempted to do my labs was a trip.  If there is one thing Cushing's patients are used to, that is lab work but this chic took it to another level.  Let me preface by saying that I have horrid veins.  They are tiny, deep and they roll.  Very few lab folks get me on the 1st or 2nd poke and I am used to it.  I mean, it honestly doesn't phase me anymore and it doesn't hurt when they poke and prod around my arms.  Anyway, my lab lady was new.  She was funny though because she wasn't that 'nervous' type of new..she was just 'I am gonna stick this needle in your hand, your arm, your other hand and your arm again and just hope I get a vein' type.  I mean, seriously, she stuck me and stuck me..the time in my arm, I could even see there was no vein.  I was looking at her like she was insane.  I was literally her pin cushion.  She wasted no time and was just opening up needles like a mad woman.  So, she calls a nurse over to assist her.  The nurse is almost as bad..she whips my hand over and sticks me on the underside of my wrist.  I actually felt a tingle in my hand and then felt the blood coming through the vein. It wasn't painful but was such an odd feeling.  At this point, I was almost laughing thinking these ladies were just nuts but they got all the tubes filled....
So, its on.  Tumor, we are coming to get you!!

This disease cracks me up some days....

It's funny how this disease can make you actually euphoric some days.  Today, I've had lots of energy, felt 'in control' and wide awake, ready to take on the world.  How can a disease be so incredibly odd?  It ravages your body and plays tricks on your mind at the same time.  And the funniest part of it all is that I am fully aware that all this stuff I 'feel' is the disease.  Geez...it's a wonder I am not in a hospital with cushy walls..lol.
I can feel myself plunging as I type this..getting tired & achey...oh, the joy of Cushing's.
On another note, I get really tired of explaining what is wrong with me to people.  It is such a hard disease to describe and most people just don't 'get it.'  And I get that it is hard for someone to understand that I'd be excited about surgery or why having a tumor is a 'good' thing.  I mean, I totally get it is hard to understand but still, it wears me out attempting to help people understand.  And it really drives me nuts when the same people ask me all the time if I am 'feeling any better'....I want to scream, "NO!!!! and I won't until they get this thing out of me, how many times do I have to tell you that?"  Of course, I would never say that...and then, I feel guilty for feeling that way.  I know they mean no harm but it is so tough to feel so misunderstood all the time.....

How sad is it...

How sad is it that part of me is actually looking forward to surgery just for the sleep??  It has been, I guess, around 2+ years since I've slept through an entire night.  Here it is, 6:30 in the morning and I've been awake for a good bit.  I have so much to do tomorrow and I know I will just want to crash all day.  I am trying to get everything in order before surgery and it is a tad overwhelming..add that to no sleep and you have a mess.  Yep, that's me right now..a mess.

Got a surgery date!

So, the 27th it is.  I can hardly believe it.  It is wierd because you get so used to the 'come back in 2 week' or 'take this test' or yada, yada.  Once you get to the surgeon, things happen like a whirlwind.  It is awesome and overwhelming all at once.

Cramps suck.

I am one of those lucky women that has never had cramps with her period.  Cushing's is making sure that I am receiving full pay back for that.  I have the worst leg and foot cramps sometimes and they are always in the middle of the night so they wake me up from what little sleep I get to begin with.  Last night, my feet and legs cramped all night.  It was so bad that I had to 'jump' up to stretch out the muscles to get the cramps to release.  Some people call them 'charlie horses'...I call them *!@#&!!*  LOL 
In other news, my appointment with the neurosurgeon is tomorrow.  I am not nervous at all but I have a feeling he is going to want another MRI, which in and of itself is fine but just means more time.  I am tired of waiting, I want some surgery!!  Too bad I am not rich enough to offer bribes...

Burning feet and just plain tired!

Burning feet and just plain tired..that about sums how I feel right now.  Well, add that to being ill at the world for no good reason and there you have me for today.  I am going to take a sleep-aid and hit the sack.  The world will thank me for going to sleep today-LOL.

Tired of feeling ugly.

This disease affects the way you look in such a devastating way.  I've lost hair in all the places I don't want to..my head and growing it in places that no woman wants.  My face is round and fat.  All my weight is all around the middle.  I look like Humpty-Dumpty basically.  I feel so unattractive in every way you can imagine.  I am not a vein person and have never considered myself 'hot' or 'beautiful' but I was who I was.  Now, I don't even recognize myself when I look in the mirror.  If you look at pictures of me over the past 3-4 years, I look like someone else.  I ran into someone I hadn't seen in a few years the other day and it took her a second to realize who I was.  It was odd and sad and well...uugghh.
The only thing that keeps me going is knowing most of this seems to reverse during the healing process.  Most patient stories I've read are very encouraging and they all say you start to 'see' yourself in the mirror again and not to lose hope.  I've seen lots of 'after Cushing's' pictures and they give me a lot of hope!  I mean, I am not wanting to look 20 again but just to see 'me' in the reflection would be nice.

Yesterday was exhausting...

I had one of those days.  Every step was a big deal.  I was just sooooo tired.  I came home from work, ate dinner and was in bed by 8.  I actually left a load of laundry in the washing machine...for me, that says a lot as laundry is one of those things I am super-anal about.  I do laundry every day and never leave it in the washer unless I have no choice.  I know, wierdo...anyways, I just couldn't do it yesterday.  I HAD to lay down...I HAD to sleep.  It was ridiculous. 
Today was much better although I was still tired from being so tired.  Man, Cushing's sucks.

Good Appointment!!

I was nervous.  I went to my appointment thinking I was going to have 'fight' to move to the next step.  I should've known better..I should've listened to God as he continues to remind me this battle is not mine but his.  My endo comes and gets me from the exam room to his office.  I have my list of questions ready to fire and before I can even ask them, he answers all of them.  My dex test came back as 'abnormal', which in Cushing's world, is a good thing because it continues to prove the diagnosis is correct.  My body didn't suppress anything as a normal person would.  Imagine that, my body not normal-lol.  So anyways, he goes on to say they reviewed the notes/images from my MRI and think they saw something very tiny on my pit gland! woo-hoo!!  So, I was referred to a neurosurgeon and my appt is next week.  They may want another MRI to get a better view and that will be okay..I just know I am one step closer to surgery and I am so freakin' excited!  I know recovery will be a long process but just to be on the way...wow.

Important doctor's appt tomorrow...

So, tomorrow I see my endo.  I will get the results of my last labs (dex test) and then we are having a serious heart to heart.  I am telling him I want his referral to get another MRI on a 3T machine.  He will either agree or not and depending on his answer, I will decide if I stay with this endo or not.  I have a feeling he is gonna say to do another MRI w/contrast on the regular machine.  This won't be acceptable to me.  I'd rather go ahead and get the MRI on the 3T.  My insurance will cover it and so I see no reason to do the regular 'strength' MRI again when the 3T is available.  The reason I say this is because there is no 3T machine here where I live/where he practices and some doctors don't like that 'loss of control/being in charge' feeling.  I pray that he will do what is in my best interest and not his own.  We shall see.
I will say that I haven't been unhappy with this endo.  He has done everything he is supposed to do and I got a diagnosis very quickly and I like him.  My main issue is just time.  He orders a test and then I have to wait 2 weeks to get the results..order another test and wait and so on and on.  In the meantime, my health is just declining in every way imaginable.  I realize I have to be my advocate and press this as much as I can.  I know God is here and he will fight for me...he reminds me of this and I know it in my heart.  I have just got to trust. 

Frustrated

Today has been frustrating.  I was in such a brain fog this afternoon and it really got to me.  It isn't a new feeling or anything, I've experienced it for a long time.  It's really bad some days and I don't know why, but today it really, really has bothered me and made feel just 'stupid' to put it nicely.  For example, I was driving home and almost made the wrong turn.  Had my blinker on, almost fully stopped to turn and realized it was the wrong turn.  This is a road I travel all the time.  I turned off my blinker and kept going straight, fully knowing it was the next turn I needed to make..no biggie.  I am thinking the whole time, "Dummy.." and as I am thinking this, I go right past the turn I need to make.  It was like I was there physically but not mentally.  I turn around at the next road and in a few, I was home.  I know this is a simple little thing but I totally 'fogged out' twice in less than 30 seconds.  I just got really frustrated with myself because it really hit me how this disease can affect you.  Like I said, nothing new, it just seemed a little more real today and it sucked.  My gosh, we have got to find this tumor and get it out ASAP.

Exhausted and feeling odd....

I am totally exhausted today.  Like could sit here on the couch for the rest of the day kinda tired.  But, then my brain is going crazy thinking of things to do.  It's like my mind is on full-speed but the rest of my body is not in agreement.  The funny thing is my mind wins..I sit down for a few and then I get up and do something...then I give out and sit back down.  It is a viscious cycle.  I also have the major 'brain fog' that comes with Cushing's today.  I swear, it isn't enough the hell this disease does to your organs and muscles--it screws with your emotions and thoughts, too.