Burning feet and just plain tired!

Burning feet and just plain tired..that about sums how I feel right now.  Well, add that to being ill at the world for no good reason and there you have me for today.  I am going to take a sleep-aid and hit the sack.  The world will thank me for going to sleep today-LOL.

Tired of feeling ugly.

This disease affects the way you look in such a devastating way.  I've lost hair in all the places I don't want to..my head and growing it in places that no woman wants.  My face is round and fat.  All my weight is all around the middle.  I look like Humpty-Dumpty basically.  I feel so unattractive in every way you can imagine.  I am not a vein person and have never considered myself 'hot' or 'beautiful' but I was who I was.  Now, I don't even recognize myself when I look in the mirror.  If you look at pictures of me over the past 3-4 years, I look like someone else.  I ran into someone I hadn't seen in a few years the other day and it took her a second to realize who I was.  It was odd and sad and well...uugghh.
The only thing that keeps me going is knowing most of this seems to reverse during the healing process.  Most patient stories I've read are very encouraging and they all say you start to 'see' yourself in the mirror again and not to lose hope.  I've seen lots of 'after Cushing's' pictures and they give me a lot of hope!  I mean, I am not wanting to look 20 again but just to see 'me' in the reflection would be nice.

Yesterday was exhausting...

I had one of those days.  Every step was a big deal.  I was just sooooo tired.  I came home from work, ate dinner and was in bed by 8.  I actually left a load of laundry in the washing machine...for me, that says a lot as laundry is one of those things I am super-anal about.  I do laundry every day and never leave it in the washer unless I have no choice.  I know, wierdo...anyways, I just couldn't do it yesterday.  I HAD to lay down...I HAD to sleep.  It was ridiculous. 
Today was much better although I was still tired from being so tired.  Man, Cushing's sucks.

Good Appointment!!

I was nervous.  I went to my appointment thinking I was going to have 'fight' to move to the next step.  I should've known better..I should've listened to God as he continues to remind me this battle is not mine but his.  My endo comes and gets me from the exam room to his office.  I have my list of questions ready to fire and before I can even ask them, he answers all of them.  My dex test came back as 'abnormal', which in Cushing's world, is a good thing because it continues to prove the diagnosis is correct.  My body didn't suppress anything as a normal person would.  Imagine that, my body not normal-lol.  So anyways, he goes on to say they reviewed the notes/images from my MRI and think they saw something very tiny on my pit gland! woo-hoo!!  So, I was referred to a neurosurgeon and my appt is next week.  They may want another MRI to get a better view and that will be okay..I just know I am one step closer to surgery and I am so freakin' excited!  I know recovery will be a long process but just to be on the way...wow.

Important doctor's appt tomorrow...

So, tomorrow I see my endo.  I will get the results of my last labs (dex test) and then we are having a serious heart to heart.  I am telling him I want his referral to get another MRI on a 3T machine.  He will either agree or not and depending on his answer, I will decide if I stay with this endo or not.  I have a feeling he is gonna say to do another MRI w/contrast on the regular machine.  This won't be acceptable to me.  I'd rather go ahead and get the MRI on the 3T.  My insurance will cover it and so I see no reason to do the regular 'strength' MRI again when the 3T is available.  The reason I say this is because there is no 3T machine here where I live/where he practices and some doctors don't like that 'loss of control/being in charge' feeling.  I pray that he will do what is in my best interest and not his own.  We shall see.
I will say that I haven't been unhappy with this endo.  He has done everything he is supposed to do and I got a diagnosis very quickly and I like him.  My main issue is just time.  He orders a test and then I have to wait 2 weeks to get the results..order another test and wait and so on and on.  In the meantime, my health is just declining in every way imaginable.  I realize I have to be my advocate and press this as much as I can.  I know God is here and he will fight for me...he reminds me of this and I know it in my heart.  I have just got to trust. 

Frustrated

Today has been frustrating.  I was in such a brain fog this afternoon and it really got to me.  It isn't a new feeling or anything, I've experienced it for a long time.  It's really bad some days and I don't know why, but today it really, really has bothered me and made feel just 'stupid' to put it nicely.  For example, I was driving home and almost made the wrong turn.  Had my blinker on, almost fully stopped to turn and realized it was the wrong turn.  This is a road I travel all the time.  I turned off my blinker and kept going straight, fully knowing it was the next turn I needed to make..no biggie.  I am thinking the whole time, "Dummy.." and as I am thinking this, I go right past the turn I need to make.  It was like I was there physically but not mentally.  I turn around at the next road and in a few, I was home.  I know this is a simple little thing but I totally 'fogged out' twice in less than 30 seconds.  I just got really frustrated with myself because it really hit me how this disease can affect you.  Like I said, nothing new, it just seemed a little more real today and it sucked.  My gosh, we have got to find this tumor and get it out ASAP.

Exhausted and feeling odd....

I am totally exhausted today.  Like could sit here on the couch for the rest of the day kinda tired.  But, then my brain is going crazy thinking of things to do.  It's like my mind is on full-speed but the rest of my body is not in agreement.  The funny thing is my mind wins..I sit down for a few and then I get up and do something...then I give out and sit back down.  It is a viscious cycle.  I also have the major 'brain fog' that comes with Cushing's today.  I swear, it isn't enough the hell this disease does to your organs and muscles--it screws with your emotions and thoughts, too.